Travel-horror-stories-funny-travel-stories

TRAVEL HORROR STORIES: My First Night In Melbourne. Me, David & The Taxi Driver.

In AUSTRALIA, BLOG, FACEBOOK STORIES, FUN CORNER, HORROR/FUNNY TRAVEL STORIES, SOUTH AUSTRALIA by Clelia Mattana12 Comments

WHEN TRAVEL GOES WRONG! IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:

 
Italian Gestures: I have a brilliant idea!!
Italian Gestures: I have a brilliant idea!! (check out the other Italian Gestures in my article by clicking this link)

This is a new series of blog posts! I use FB a lot when traveling so that I can update my family and friends daily about my adventures, misadventures, cute pictures and so on.

I have just now realized that I usually write entire “poems” there, so why not transfer them ( exactly as they are) here? Spontaneous moments of my trips. They will definitely not win a Pulitzer prize, but they are 100% genuine, and I love the idea!

Some of them were originally written in Italian, so they will lose some humor during the translation process, but I truly want to keep doing this no matter what.

People seem to love these little stories, especially the ones shared on my Facebook account, probably because they are what makes a trip truly remarkable, and I share them almost in “real time” with funny updates 🙂

 

THIS IS THE ORIGINAL ITALIAN VERSION ON MY FB ACCOUNT!

FOR MY FACEBOOK PAGE (where I also share cool pictures and stories; you can follow it by liking it here)


FINALLY, I’M IN AUSTRALIA/KANGAROOLAND!

You were already waiting for photos of Melbourne, right?! Erm, no! After a trip in which I saw (from the plane monitor) the earth going from day to night twice (😱) and staring at that plane on the screen, slowly moving around the world … I finally landed!  Including a real-time vision from the external camera of the plane😍 (so cool).

THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WAS “WOW, I SURVIVED !!” ALTHOUGH I HAD NOT CLOSED MY EYES IN MORE THAN 24 HOURS, I’M HERE! 

But the Odyssey could not stop on the plane, could it?! 😂 I thought I would have had my first nightmare at the dreaded customs, but instead, between passport, baggage allowance, and customs checks … EVERYTHING WENT AS SMOOTH AS SILK!

Given my luck, I was almost expecting a Melbourn rental car to offer me their services for free! 🙂

I could not believe it. Even taking the Skybus from the airport to the center of Melbourne was like a walk in the park, so easy! I still could not believe everything was going perfectly. It wasn’t my style. I mean, seriously, something always happens during my trips. Very very suspicious.

 

MY LOVELY “FRITZ” FRIEND: HOW I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT TAXI DRIVERS… FROM KIDNAPPERS TO SAVIOURS!

-I was once kidnapped by a taxi driver in London, so pardon my skepticism about the category- 

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My “Fritz Friend” was a lot less suspicious than this one 🙂

I finally arrived in downtown Melbourne, but I still had to make one more little effort; it’s 11 pm here (11 am in Italy…. maybe?!), and I find myself in a non-existent space dimension.

Meaning: “Where in the hell am I?!” with the “WHERE”, meaning both a place in Melbourne but above all a place in TIME.

I decided that being so exhausted if I took public transport at that time of night would surely end worse than it did in Toronto, where I took the right bus, yes … But in the opposite direction! Upsy 😀

Armed with a folder containing all the documents, including printed maps, I took a taxi, a decision that probably saved me from sleeping under some unknown Melbourne bridge…

The place I had booked was only 10 minutes from the center, so I began to cheerfully chat and laugh with the taxi driver, explaining that if he had been able to deliver the package (me) to the right destination while still alive, I would have given him a very large tip.

We arrive shortly before this nice house in a residential area with no shops or busy roads nearby. Everything’s very quiet. I look at him, puzzled … Are you sure this is it?! “Positive, my lady! This is the right address! …”

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Oh shit, this does not seem exactly a bed and breakfast, but oh well, what do I know about B & B in the land of kangaroos after all!? I try to stay calm.

I didn’t have the time to buy a local SIM card yet, so I was still without internet and calls. I asked my friend Fritz (as I called the taxi driver) with (dead) puppy eyes if he could call the property with his mobile … and to please not leave me alone in a deserted, dark street.

Now that I think about it, I must have looked like the ugly version of a remix in between “Little Red Riding Hood” and “Bambi”.

Very kindly, my friend Fritz says he won’t drop me like a dog on a highway in August, and I got some reassurance. Somehow. Maybe…

 

SLEEPING BEAUTY & THE BEAST (WHEN I TURNED ITNO INTO AN ANGRY STRAY CAT!)

I-Am-Not-Sleeping-I-Am-Just-Resting-My-Eyes-asleep-cat-funny-travel-stories
The Australian Landlady. YEAH RIGHT!

The phone rang, and a sleepy voice answered by saying, “Hello, what time is it?!” … I explained that it was 11:30 at night, that I was arriving from the other side of the globe, SLIGHTLY TIRED, and that I had a booking with them.

The sleeping lady tells me it’s late for the check-in (?!) She also said that she would try to ask her friend David if he could wake up and go downstairs to open the door for me. Wait a second. What? “WAKE UP!?!”….” IF?” Seriously, my lady?!?

I’m in fricking Australia for the first time in my life, dog tired, and I don’t even know if someone is going to open the door of a room I had already paid for??

In the meantime, my friend Fritz had put on the armor as the official protector of unlucky Italian people all over Melbourne and told me he was waiting until I had a place to sleep.

PRAISE THE LORD TO MY LOVELY TAXI DRIVER FRITZ! (AND I’M AN AGNOSTIC) 😀 

Ten minutes pass, and there isn’t even the shadow of this mysterious David. I called back “The sleeping beauty” (bless her) and told her she could not leave me in the middle of the road or sleep inside my friend Fritz’s car trunk !!

Up to this point, I was so tired that I did not even have the strength to be angry … Until she gives me the good news. AND THE BAD NEWS.

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The good thing is that David was finally up and coming downstairs, and the bad one…They thought I wasn’t going to show up (hmmm, what?!), so they had the brilliant idea to rent my room to a Korean girl, and all the other rooms were obviously full. GREAT!

My friend Fritz and I silently look at each other for a moment… He told me to go and talk to David, who was peeping out the door while Fritz was carrying my suitcases back in the car, just in case.

Long story short, David lets me in, and I say, “Sorry, huh … what about contacting me by email and asking for confirmation instead of giving the room to someone else, no?!” Also, I was definitely in the right because the check-in was still until midnight.

I started insulting poor David who turned out to be just a friend of the owner, from whom he had taken instructions from. Mortified he tells me that … I can sleep on a sofa! 😱

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I had dreamed of that moment for hours… That fantastic moment when I was given the key to my room, I would have seen the most precious thing in the world: A BED. 

What I see instead is a sofa in the living room of an unknown house, located between the entrance door and the kitchen door. I swear I was about to faint. “

 

SOFA BEDS, SMELLY CAMELS & KOREANS

Melbourne_Misadventure_sofa_bed
It’s not the end of the world, but when you are tired and need privacy, it’s DEADLY!!! 😀

I decide that I’d risk my life if I didn’t rest my poor old limbs somewhere, so I am forced to accept the compromise for the night (with all the intentions of having the reimbursement for this nightmare ASAP).

In the meantime, poor David is preparing the “bed.” I take the time to say goodbye to Fritz (with a promise of Beatification for him), and then it suddenly comes down to me.

I  realize that not only I am finally in the land of kangaroos, with my body cursing in Arabic, but also that after having traveled for more than 30 hours … I SMELL LIKE A FREAKING CAMEL CROSSING THE SAHARA DESERT.

smelly-camel-funny-horror-travel-stories
Yup, Pretty much how I looked like (and probably smelled too) 😀

I stick my gross body in the bathtub, where I have to resort to the last remaining strength I have not to fall asleep, and I finally see the(sofa) bed, where I take advantage to finish a job that I had to complete before the Australian trip.

With eyes resembling those of a tortured mullet, I finish at 3 am local time, and I think I barely had the time to turn the computer off before entering a coma for 12 hours…

I woke up…with the Korean girl right in front of me, staring intently. She tells me in Korean English … I’ll leave your room in about one hour” 😱 …

Uma-Thurman-kill-bill-revenge-funny-horror-travel-stories
Lucky Korean, I was more merciful than Uma 😉

No, it’s totally fine, take it easy, don’t rush! It doesn’t matter if that room is mine and you had the check out at 10 and it is now 1 pm.  Just Thank your lucky star that I slept well otherwise I would have sent you back to Korea by kicking your ass 😂

That’s all from Melbourne and my room (finally!) Back to the studio!  WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA MATEEEE !!!! 😂


 

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUNNY TRAVEL MISADVENTURE TO SHARE? IF SO, PLEASE COMMENT BELOW! I’D LOVE TO COLLECT THEM TO CREATE A FUN ARTICLE (WITH YOUR PERMISSION OF COURSE)

Comments

  1. Ha I really like your writing style. Definitely not the old-boring-bla-bla-travel-instagrammy shit. Thank you for running this extraordinary blog!

    1. Author

      Awww thank you! I actually (not even so secretly) hate Instagram to be honest 😀

  2. I feel sorry for your struggle but the way you expressed it, it made me laugh

    1. Author

      Oh don’t worry! I kinda like these troubles, they always make a good story to tell later on! 🙂

  3. Lol, this is funny more than horror.. Sometimes It’s good to read these funny travel stories. Thanks mate I really enjoyed it.

    1. Author

      Thanks for stopping by, glad you enjoyed the story!

    1. Author

      Thanks John, Glad that we can now chuckle together 🙂

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